College

Back to college tomorrow. Wonderful!

I only need to attend for a tutorial which is about an hour or two long and then I'm free again for another month.

Free; what does that word really mean? I'm not free if I'm expected to be doing something by other people. Or am I? Anyway..

I think I want to go back to college and study for a degree. I've been having a look around and Trinity College has a Geography course which can be studied jointly with Philosophy. Now if that's not my idea of heaven then I don't know what is. Unfortunately there is a bit of maths in there somewhere but I'm sure if I knuckled down I'd be ok. The only thing is that I would have to wait until I'm 23 and apply as a mature student. I'd be 27 when I finished. That doesn't really concern me but anyone else I've mentioned this to has pointed out that fact. Anyway, I could study for a year abroad in 3rd year. When (note the optimism) I graduate I could go on field trips in all parts of the world to work. I feel very comfortable thinkng about this. I wonder have I finally discovered my niche?

Liverpool and Chelsea meet again on Wednesday night. I can feel the nerves already. It's payback time from their point of view and we have not much in the way of strikers at the moment. Personally I think we should bring Ramon Calliste into the squad. A nifty striker with everything to prove and nothing to lose. It's going to be some game.




The All Ireland is on today and I'm pleased to say that I've absolutely no desire to watch it.

I've lost my All Dogs go to Heaven dvd which is very annoying as I never lose cds or dvds.

Anger

I totally fucked up last night. I was lying in bed and the blood started boiling in my veins and I wanted to beat the crap out of somebody. She was there beside me, and I never want to lay a finger on her so I left the room abruptly. I was confused, my head was spinning, I wanted to get sick but most of all I wanted to hit somebody.

I calmed down eventually but I got such a fright, I could feel tinges of panic under my skin. I don't ever want to inflict pain on another person ever again. I managed to walk away this time. And I will walk away again.

She didn't know what was wrong with me. I came back in and began playing pinball on my mobile to take my mind off the feeling of intense anger inside me. She thought I was texting the other girl I had the date with. I wasn't. That girl doesn't even cross my mind.

Anyway, I eventually clambered into the other bed and took a few swigs of water. I couldnt think straight and I felt I was going insane, I'd tipped over the edge.

But then I turned to her and explained what was wrong with me, she just hugged me before I burst into tears.

I ripped up my kleenex to channel the residue of anger before dreaming of watching Liverpool V Chelsea.

I was on the sidelines screaming at them.

I woke up this morning and felt much better.

Im feeling sad

The pills don't seem to be working too well anymore. Im starting to feel depressed again and my hypochondria has returned.

I just want someone to tell me that everything will be ok and snuggle up in bed with my baby. I feel like I'm even more insane than I previously thought.

I don't mean to hurt people but it's so difficult being me. I think I've done well so far considering.

I need to eat before I get a disorder although it may be too late for that.

I also need to take my pill.

Why do I always let people down?

I just want a cuddle.